It feels like fall, awesome.
Back to classes on wednesday. I find I do better first term than second term. January onward is all depressing, it gets dark earlier and it's cold...
I'm contemplating taking second semester off and trying to get a job, or finishing school and trying to get a job and if I can't them moving back home and getting a job and saving up money.
I feel like the last five years I've never really felt the way I did in high school. When I felt like I could take my time. For the last few years I've felt like I've, internally anyways, been on this whole need-to-get-things-done-as-fast-as-possible-but-then-end-up-not-doing-much-of-anything. Plus, anxiety doesn't help. I felt like I had more of an identity in high school than I've had since graduating.
I mean, I went from Grade 12 all the way down to the bottom of the social chain again with first year University. In high school I felt, at least for me anyways, that there was a sense of community. I was in this internal enclosed space, and then University came and it was this big, giant, scary open space where I had no goal and didn't know what I was doing with my life. I had a goal in high school: to graduate. With graduating University, I don't know, it was like well 'I can only do so much with this degree, what if I want to do something else, then will I have to go back to school?'. I don't know if I can pick one job, there are tons of things I want to do and I kind of feel like I don't have enough time to do them. This feeling then results with me not doing anything. Plus my love life is non-existent. I never expect anyone to be interested in me and the guys I am interested in I get all shy and awkward and weird, unless I'm drunk, then I'm not so lame...
I mean, I think I have this like, fear of rejection. I want to publish my poetry, but I'm afraid that it would get critiqued and no one would like it and hate it. I don't work well with negativeness... which I would like to change. I'd like to take negative comments toward me and turn them into something positive, instead of like, crying and stuff.
The thing that I liked about high school is that I saw my friends everyday, five days a week. Or if I didn't then I could easily see them on weekends, because Bwater is small as fuck and you can walk basically anywhere. Now my friends aren't as close, I can't simply walk to them... but I think I'm slowly getting used to that.
I just really want to get back that sense of community and stuff that I had in high school, the feeling that things are relaxed and not so intense. That if I take my time I can actually accomplish something.
