"If I didn’t think, I’d be much happier." - Sylvia Plath

"I was really going to be something by the age of 23." - Winona Ryder, Reality Bites

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I thought my life would be somewhat different from how it is now. I thought I'd be something, and want to be something, by the time I was 23. There are so many things I want to do. I currently just want to travel, since I've been basically nowhere so far. But I don't have the means to save up any money.  It's infuriating.

I thought I'd know myself better by now. I think I knew who I was more in high school. I've felt lost the last 5 years. Like I couldn't separate myself from people in general and how we're all the same and that I wasn't any different from them at all and that my likes and dislikes didn't really matter.

I think also in part that I thought I had to be a certain way because by society you're an adult and you're supposed to know all these things and I feel like I'm behind with everyone else regarding certain things and that there's just this pressure...

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I'm not even sure what I'd be good at. I want to become and Editor but I don't know if I'm good at that. I have basically no idea what I'm going to do once I get my English degree, or what I can do. And even if I want to do something else I probably won't be able to because my gpa is the pathetic. I wish someone would have explained university and stuff to me, or at least better. And I'm annoyed at myself and my lack of understanding things and how in order to fully understand something I need someone to explain it very specifically, even though I wouldn't really know if what they're explaining is allowing me to really understand it or not til later on or something.

I just want a car and to travel before I get stuck at some job and never see the world. I'm terrified I'm going to be stuck here for the rest of my life.

I feel like, in some regards, that I've wasted the last five years of my life.

Things I'm thinking about:

- Dying the bottom of my hair dark pink, or some kind of blue or purple. But I"m wondering if that would interfere with getting a job.

-Trying to get into reading again. Bought a book, along with a Vincent Van Gogh book, called Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn.

- I still want to try to get a job next term and take next semester off and start up next fall.

- I'm trying to drink more green tea.

- Matcha Green Tea is so good.

- I want to get an infinity tattoo on my wrist, but I'm wondering if this would also interfere with getting a job.

- I'm trying to love myself more, I've got a love/hate relationship with myself, sometimes it's hard.

- I miss seeing my friends.

- I miss having television.

- Sometimes I wish the latter half of last year didn't happen.
- I'd love to live in a Starbucks/Video Difference store.
- I wonder if anyone will ever discover if the universe ends.

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I feel like I'm suffocating.
I seriously just like want to claw my fucking skin off. Getting a minimum wage job probably won't cover my living expenses, and I hate that, because I don't know what I'm doing with my life, and I don't really want to move back home. But getting a job at home is even less likely. I just want to get my grades up and be able to buy things. But I don't think I could have a job and go to classes.Why is this so hard. I'm tired of feeling stressed out. I'm tired of thinking too much.

morning

Woke up early today. Drinking Roobios Chai Tea. Wish I knew where I could get some more. It's so good.
Haven't really been able to sleep much. I feel like I might have insomnia or something. I'm stressed about a lot of things. I feel like I'm always stressed out. I'm such a stressed out yet lazy/ambitious person. I wish I had the same life view I had in high school/early university. I wish I knew what I wanted to do with my life.


edit: Feeling like trying to eat healthier today. It's an on/off thing. So made a chicken cesar salad  (mozzarella cheese) with potatoes. It's so good.

fall

I'm pretty sure I'm deciding to take next semester off to work, and finish my courses next fall and then graduate in the spring. A course that isn't available next term should be in the fall, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't do too horrible in Film and History.

I'm just really tired of school right now, I'm tired of feeling tired. I need a break. I just feel like I've been going and going and even when I'm not doing anything I feel kind of stressed.

I have no real goals in life right now, I just want to make money. One of my only real goals is to maybe, eventually, get my poetry published.

I'm 16 away from having 200 poems. I've been writing for the last 5-6 years. I'm wondering if I should start putting my poems on here as well...

Here's some more quotes I like.

"Angel-headed hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of the night." - Allen Ginsberg, Howl

"... and at once I knew I was not magnificent." - Bon Iver, Holocene

"my skin smells like/sleep and this morning/happened centuries ago/irises like/coffee filters/straining dream sequences/through grown-up/lenses" - Poem, Unknown

"How do you become a poem? She asked her friend... You burn bridges as you're crossing them and instead of drowning you learn how to swim" - Fragment 17

It feels like fall, awesome.

Back to classes on wednesday. I find I do better first term than second term. January onward is all depressing, it gets dark earlier and it's cold...

I'm contemplating taking second semester off and trying to get a job, or finishing school and trying to get a job and if I can't them moving back home and getting a job and saving up money.

I feel like the last five years I've never really felt the way I did in high school. When I felt like I could take my time. For the last few years I've felt like I've, internally anyways, been on this whole need-to-get-things-done-as-fast-as-possible-but-then-end-up-not-doing-much-of-anything. Plus, anxiety doesn't help. I felt like I had more of an identity in high school than I've had since graduating.

I mean, I went from Grade 12 all the way down to the bottom of the social chain again with first year University. In high school I felt, at least for me anyways, that there was a sense of community. I was in this internal enclosed space, and then University came and it was this big, giant, scary open space where I had no goal and didn't know what I was doing with my life. I had a goal in high school: to graduate. With graduating University, I don't know, it was like well 'I can only do so much with this degree, what if I want to do something else, then will I have to go back to school?'. I don't know if I can pick one job, there are tons of things I want to do and I kind of feel like I don't have enough time to do them. This feeling then results with me not doing anything. Plus my love life is non-existent. I never expect anyone to be interested in me and the guys I am interested in I get all shy and awkward and weird, unless I'm drunk, then I'm not so lame...

I mean, I think I have this like, fear of rejection. I want to publish my poetry, but I'm afraid that it would   get critiqued and no one would like it and hate it. I don't work well with negativeness... which I would like to change. I'd like to take negative comments toward me and turn them into something positive, instead of like, crying and stuff.

The thing that I liked about high school is that I saw my friends everyday, five days a week. Or if I didn't then I could easily see them on weekends, because Bwater is small as fuck and you can walk basically anywhere. Now my friends aren't as close, I can't simply walk to them... but I think I'm slowly getting used to that.

I just really want to get back that sense of community and stuff that I had in high school, the feeling that things are relaxed and not so intense. That if I take my time I can actually accomplish something.

I'm missing Bwater. I miss being able to walk everywhere and the fact that it's quiet. The city has more shops which is awesome, but it's more busy. Which isn't always bad. But I miss that feeling of community. I miss everyone getting along and stuff. I miss that feeling of freedom and that anything was possible. I had a goal in high school and I since I've entered University I feel like I don't really have a goal. Plus, in high school  I had friends in my classes and I've only had that once since getting to University.

My mom talks about her experience in University and I'm so envious. The whole 70's general vibe or whatever you want to call it sounds better than now, at least for me, most of the time. People talked to other people and had discussions about things. It was more community like in University than, to me anyways, it seems now or maybe I'm going to the wrong University or something. I like having discussions and actually talking about things, not just gossip. Plus, I think I'm terrified of getting a job because I'm scared to get yelled at. I don't handle well being yelled at.

I'm terrified of getting a job and being stuck at it for the rest of my life and not being able to leave the province. I just want to travel somewheres, and I feel like mostly everyone else has gotten to do that. And I'm stuck here. I don't even know what I want to do with my life. I hate it. I want to have a goal, to give me some motivation and stuff.

Contemplating just moving home to Bwater after I, hopefully, graduate. I feel like everything has been moving so fast since graduating and I have anxiety about like, everything, and I don't like it. I don't like making things a big deal, even if they are, and try not to. I mean I just keep thinking that in like, a hundred years, no one's even going to know that I existed so some things that I do won't even matter.

I need to stop thinking.